Less than. Greater than.

A Poem

In an attempt to make things workable for all parties involved,

I am afraid

I am making you More Than.

More emotion

More heart

More truth

More meaning.

In this attempt to balance the past with the present

and in making you More Than

I am afraid

I am making me Less Than.

Less than desireable

Less than loveable

Less than attractive

sassy

adventurous

witty
detached

enough.

Why do I do it?

Is the sacrifice of peace and acceptance with self
worth the attempt to give my child something
I did not have?

Greater Than, Less Than.

Who is really to say?

When the veil comes down, maybe it really is you who feels

Less Than.

Less than a father.lover.husband.boyfriend.friend. partner.

And in your attempt to tip the scales in your favor...or even just into balance

you make me Less Than.

I reason with myself over a sink of dirty dishes.

Listing the reasons for and against.Mostly against.

Lack of spirituality, 

what I perceive as a confused sense of sexual identity and tendencies.

chemical dependency.

A talent to often conceal the truth

Emotionally remote

Disconnected

But in a Greater Than looking glass

none of it would matter.

You would still be worth more than 

all the peppercorns in Madagascar.

And I could be mostly satisfied.

Today,

I woke up

from dreams
that cleared the way
for me.

Being True to Myself

This past year I attended a convention.

At the convention, like the last one attended I bought myself a stone with the words printed in gold, "Be true to yourself."

I felt this would be important to me this year.

I have had to leave many people behind and cut ties. It is not easy. It may appear and feel cold hearted to those on the receiving end of my decision.

It is what it is. It is what I've needed to do.

This butterfly has needed to make changes to grow and transform and fly.

Ultimately, I know I am going to soar.

I am listening to my inner guide. I am getting better at it.

I am getting much more comfortable with it and I am no longer afraid of others.

That is why I have also taken the brave step to let my natural color grow and shine through.

I am going to be comfortable letting the world know..."THIS IS ME," with all my
shortcomings, strengths, beauty, weaknesses, creativity, quirks. This is ME.

I am very excited about what is happening within me
and what is to come.

I am being true to myself.

Sunday

Woke-up

Made Cofee

Made vegan oatmeal pancakes

Completed two hours of lessons, paper-grading, test-making

Dressed for Fete Paradiso on Governor's Island

Decided to get iced coffee and lunch for my girl instead.

Mama-Daughter pedicures

Bought a chuck roast & all the fixings.

Came home.

Put together the potroast...cooking now as I type.

Prepped the ingredients for collard/black-eyed pea soup.

Swept kitchen floor.

To come...

More school work (one hour now, one more hour later)

Grocery delivery

Yoga

Relax with my girl...dinner...movie....shower.

BED.

We didn't make it to church or to the last day of FP but it has been a beautiful, productive, and cozy kinda Sunday...Just what we needed after running around from activity to activity yesterday. 

Courage to be me

After three weeks of no poo...just using a baking soda and water to wash with an apple cider vinegar rinse, I am wanting to use shampoo.

I don't know why, really.

I guess I'm trying to figure out what my next move will be concerning my hair.
After that horrible reaction last time in the salon when I had it highlighted and dyed, I don't think
I should ever dye it again. I'm scared. Not being able to breath and getting dizzy is very scary.
Having to take prednisone and my inhaler for two days later was also scary.

Is it worth it to go through the fear? I've been reading some scary things about the
chemicals in hair dye and how many people have had adverse, even life-threatening and life-ending
experiences. I don't want that to happen to me.

How important is it to have blonde hair? I feel like it compliments me and looks pretty, but I
also sometimes feel frustrated by the cost, time, and toxicity of the process...all in the name of
vanity. It's certainly not consistent with my spiritual beliefs or the other facets of my life:
yoga, clean eating, natural childbirth and child-rearing, natural and homeopathic healing.

Hair dye.

It just doesn't seem to fit.

I will meditate and pray for the strength to figure out a natural, less toxic solution or to be brave enough to let my natural color grow out.

Some Summer Love

Souvenir from the SI Yankee game in June.

My two girls in the rooftop pool at the Chelsea Hotel in AC, NJ

Doing what we do in LI, NY

It's been an okay summer. 

Nothing like last summer, my "Summer of Love, 2012."  That would be our best summer ever.

This summer just felt like extended time off from work.

Lots of transitions.

Lots of spiritual transformation which is always good, but sometimes can feel awkward.

Lots of "in-betweens."

Lots of differences from summers past: 

No camp for my girl...Instead Vacation Bible Schools, which were awesome; one I volunteered at...GREAT EXPERIENCE.

I had a foster baby son who I ache for daily. 

That has been difficult emotionally.

We had a six-year old come and go. 

We were okay with that.

Lots of fireworks and beaches.

Lots of time with friends. 

The weather this summer was hot, oppressive. The air feels strange.

Looking forward to going to the shore next week.

The ocean water will be refreshing and cleansing.

Looking forward to a full-moon kirtan in the city.

...A visit to the Ganesha temple tomorrow and Oneness Fountain Heart restaurant on Tuesday.

Movie night, dinner, and cupcaking making with sweet friends today.

Summer vacation is almost over.

I feel like asking, "When is summer going to arrive?"

Namaste, Friends. 

Love and Light. 

xoxo

Guru Moon and Cleansing

I was telling my daughter this morning "full moons always mess with me," as
I dropped the sugar bowl while trying to scoop a teaspoon into my morning java.
Last night we had the Purnima Moon, which is known as the "Moon of the Guru."
In India, people visit the temples and leave puja in appreciation and
veneration of their spiritual teachers.


The energy of this moon left me feeling very drained yesterday along with where I
am in my cycle, I just had no energy. Later in the evening, I decided our home needed a good smudging, or
cleansing with sage. I had not done it in a very long while. I don't even remember the last time.
All I know is our home has been filled with many different people, especially
when the baby was here. So many beings all bringing their energy
with them and going through the rooms of the house.


The baby brought along the spirit energy of addiction and as he was still
withdrawing, it was a difficult energy to absorb. What it felt like spiritually,
was an intense pressure that entered and could not be relieved. (This is another story
best left for my other blog about fostering.)


While I wafted the white sage smoke through our house room by room, I prayed
continually and I envisioned peaceful energy and angels entering our home
all within white, glimmering light. I told a close friend that the energy in our home would
lift and the heaviness would not be here with the morning
and so this is how it feels on this pretty, rainy, gray morning as I stare out the window
while typing this.


Last night, I took the opportunity of the full moon to meditate and just sit.
I love the feeling of "settling" I get as soon as I sit on the cushion for meditation.
It was a wild ride of a meditation last night. Again, more cleansing.
I know that I am processing a lot this summer and it all runs
through the tape of the consciousness and when it is played itself
through...it is one long "aaaahhhhhhh."


It felt so good to process, feel the feelings, sense them,
acknowledge them, and let them go.
Today, is a new day.


Thank you Guru Moon for bringing the
necessary energy I needed to do a much needed
spiritual cleansing, both inside and out.

Change, Liberate, and Expand

August is going to be a whopper of a month astrologically speaking...especially for me and my fellow Taureans. According to a Belgian astrologer I follow, Venus, Pluto, Jupiter, and Uranus are going to square in our heavenly sky and these planets "...want to CHANGE, LIBERATE, and EXPAND" us.

I've been feeling it already and I say

LET IT BEGIN!

I am so ready.